Is this not for me?

Hey you.

So currently I am embarking on this new journey called university.  Well I have always secretly kind of liked studying because it is all so interesting; like legit everything is interesting. 

I have never felt this way, never disliked anything that gives me new knowledge before. 

Okay maybe I have, but rarely (also usually its because I beat myself so hard for getting not-so-great results - and yes, not so great might mean a B). I am a major nerd, definitely haha, and I admit it. But right now I just feel really demotivated to do anything, like I mean I don't know if i have always been lucky or if sciences and math were so much easier to understand and apply?  All you need is a bit of practice and you'll be fine.

Trust me, making such a drastic change to life (i.e. enrolling into a law program) really has me thinking and wondering if i made the right choice.  Time and time again, these sciences and math just pop into mind and i can't stop myself but wonder how I would be coping in university if i was enrolled as a science student instead.  I loved it all, and I love it still. Yeah yeah... such a geek. If you're wondering why I did it, well I'll save that for another day.

For my current course and application, it's all so different; it makes me question myself all the time. Am I just not made for this? A small part of me always nudges me whenever that thought comes into mind, 'joyi, you need to stop thinking that way, don't be weak. don't give up because you are not doing as well as you want yourself to'.

Expectations kill me, legit. Always have, always will.

It feels so surreal to finally be in a university, far away from home. This whole long distance thing definitely has taken a toll on me; I mean everything is interesting here, the people I met here are amazing but at times like this, I wish I could be home, cuddled in bed and just wait for my grandma to bring my my favourite dessert. It's difficult, very difficult to always make it seem like I am not homesick cause in reality, I really am. The 'I can't show it to my family members that I am sad because I miss them so so much cause they will be sad too' struggle is really real. I mean what was I supposed to do? Just suck it up and bawl my eyes out and then be all happy again the next day?

Ugh, this whole university thing still makes me cringe. Don't get me wrong, there are always good days, good adventures which fill me up with so much blessing it makes me smile from ear to ear.  I just usually drop by on the bad ones, haha. I need to start dropping in on all days so this blog is less depressing. Looking forward to a better tomorrow! 

To you reading this, have a wonderful day ahead x

To those going through bad days, you are not alone

These few weeks definitely are not the best weeks of my life. I still don't know if I can emerge at the end of all this, feeling glad that it all happened.  As much as I love growing and discovering, there are certain things that I wish would just go away.  I am well aware that the fastest way to grow is by experiencing different adversities in life, but there is just this limit as to how much one can take. 'Death by a thousand cuts' isn't what I want.

I used to think that I can take on anything, that I was prepared; but recently, I realised how energy draining all these could be, not mentioning how heart breaking it is to be slapped in the face with bad news every single day.  These days, I have been praying and praying for all of these to just go away, to just leave me alone.  Sometimes I wonder if I could just run, to a place far far away and start over in a place where no one knew me. Wait. Been there, done that. But realise this, you can never run away from your identity, from who you really are.

Then, comes this epiphany that I should just suck it up and try to handle things as well as I can, despite me dying inside.  Well maybe this is one of the many things in life where I could look back and feel 'I am glad that happened, I wouldn't be where I am if not for it' or I could feel 'Aw man, I will never want to experience it at all if we went back in time'. I don't know which it will be yet but I damn well hope that it is not something that would kill me to the roots and break me permanently, and with that I am going to do my best to survive this storm and wait for the rainbows.  To those barely surviving from bad days or weeks, let's do this together.

xx

Expectations

It is something that could either make you or break you. It could either drive you to success or lead you to your downfall.

Well, it works both ways for me. The pressure it gives me often make me work harder towards my goals. But whenever i feel like things aren't going the way I want it to, I would end up very very disappointed in myself. And that, is turning into a daily thing for me right now. 

Being in a new environment, doing something so new to me, it is more often that not I would make mistakes, in one aspect or another. That is totally fine, people say. You will do better, people say. But I really have no room for blunders now, do I? 

If you are someone who is close to me, I bet you will already have figured out how easy it is for me to be disappointed at myself. More often than not, you would end up comforting me even though I did pretty alright, it is just all these expectations I have on myself which is taking a toll on me, and i still have zero idea on how to stop them from coming.

Unfortunately, tonight is one of those nights where I just snug under the covers of my bed, feeling shitty and wished that I could have another go at today. 

'Well, there's always tomorrow' and yes, I agree with that a 100%. I know I eventually will let go of the events which took place today, but for now, this moment, just let me envelop myself in this feeling of disappointment for a bit, and hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.

xx 

Well, if you're wondering, I admit I don't usually do blog posts like this. I would usually point a problem and convince myself that there are ways I could fix it, or at least improve myself on that aspect. However, tonight's one of those nights where I feel like just being this way and there is no point being so positive about changing and upgrading my views. Guess i have reached a point in life where I feel that it is actually alright to not be perfect. It is alright that I am not perfect yet and I will never be, but it doesn't hurt putting some thought into it haha

On another note, I was just on a video call with my grandma and mum in Malaysia. Phone calls and video calls from home always strikes something in me, especially since I am so far from home (which sucks). Tonight is exactly one of the nights I needed that call, to remind myself of the support I have. (i am not saying i don't feel supported right now or that i yearn support 24/7 in order to live life, but it is nice, you know, to be able to always come home to supportive family - and not to forget physical hugs work too)

Alright, I've got to get back to working on my assignments and college work. Will write again soon xx

distractions

home
i need distractions to stop myself thinking about home
thinking of what everyone is doing
thinking of the people i love
of the food i miss

i tried watching television series
to stop myself from bawling my eyes out
i tried reading books
to bring my mind to a land far away from home
i tried working out
to focus only on the fatigue and weariness

i wake up
each day
doing things that don't require thinking
but eventually my mind floats to where the heart belongs

i need to stop that now
cause this is home for the next four years
which is a pretty short
and yet long time

xx

welcome to level one of homesickness

the cat next door

The cat out at my neighbour's front porch

So recently, a cat has been paying frequent visits to my front porch in the mornings. 

My family doesn’t really fancy cats; we are more like dog people (?) (but I am still very terrified of huge dogs).  Hm let’s just say, we aren’t exactly animal people.  Don’t get me wrong, we do not despise or hate on any type of animals, we are just afraid.

So back to the cat story, this cat had no home.  Not anymore; I am not sure if it belonged to my neighbor (they have a lot of cats + since it goes there every time it runs away), but it is definitely now stray.

 ‘Oh, joyi, stray cats are everywhere in Malaysia. ‘But this one was different.  One of its eyes was infected and ruddy, bulging out from its eye socket.  When I first saw it lurking around the front, I was stunned and astounded.  I quickly ran upstairs to find my dad, while shouting ‘Pa! Come take a look at this cat!’

By the time we returned to the porch, it was already gone. I insisted that the red ball was its eye bulging out from its socket but my dad argued that it was just a huge tumour-like pimple (?)  Anyway, a couple of days later, we confirmed it was the eye, probably a result from a very aggressive cat fight or an allergic reaction which then caused the cat to scratch it out? I don’t know, only the cat knows.

What I do know, was that this cat was turning scrawnier day by day.  Its fur became all patchy and it was experiencing hair loss.  We knew then, that no one was going to care about this stray cat.  People were afraid of its exterior (I admit I was stunned when I first encountered it) but a bad exterior does not mean you should be ostracized, and that was exactly what the poor cat was facing.  It is bad enough that its eye could no longer see this world; it might even cause more serious circumstances.  This cat definitely does not deserve to be thrown away or kicked out from the house.

We felt tremendously bad for the poor cat, so we bought some dry cat food and placed it outside our house every morning.  It did eat a little at first but its movements were eventually slowing down – sometimes, its small body just lies on the side of the road even though there were cars passing by. 

Here - my grandma was feeding it with some food

These couples of days, we no longer see it around.  I have no idea where it is, but I just wish and pray the best for this poor little cat, hopefully it is feeling better now in a better place.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

On the same note, I know many people in real life are facing similar issues – just because they don’t look or act normal, they are ostracized by the society.  It hurts me deep inside, knowing the amount of unspoken pain these people have to go through living each day, and the only thing on their minds is – how much do I need to change to feel accepted and appreciated?

They change and convert into someone entirely different from who they really are.  Are they really still living when the person they truly are died during this transition?  Is this the happiness they have been longing for - acceptance into the society by being someone else?

So I chanced upon this picture on instagram @thegoodquote and it resonated a lot to how i felt at that time.

Well, I believe everyone is born unique and special in their own ways; we are not all molded to be the exact same version of each other.  You see, one individual will also have different sides of himself depending on the people he is with or the mood he is in.  So the question is – who are we to judge other people when we ourselves are so much different from other people?   

Rants: Misfit

Have you ever tried so hard to pull something together but then it starts to fall apart?  Then, you realise it will never work the way you want it to be.

I always thought that if you persevered hard enough, gave it enough time, your effort will bear fruit and you will then achieve the results you dreamed for.  Well, this isn't the first time.  Nor the second. Or the third. Time and time again, the results were disappointing.  Nevertheless, I never gave up. (i regret this. i should have when it wasn't too late)

Some people say, 'don't give your whole heart away; save a piece for yourself just in case the worst happens.'  Well, it happened without even me realising.  It's not something you can control, the heart or your feelings (i mean you can't summon anger to go away and never appear in your life right - you can only suppress them).  And now, whenever I think about it, it hurts.   Was I too careless?  Was it my fault?  Am I the one to blame for trying?  Did everything backfire or would it turn out the same if I didn't care?

I honestly don't know if I am expressing myself the right way; because whatever I seem to be doing isn't working.  I prefer to be really straight-forward in expressing myself (my word choices may not be excellent either, I know) rather than say things you'd like to hear.  I tried every approach there is (it felt like it worked at the start but in the end... it was just an illusion) to show you that I really care.

I wanted to fix it.  But some things are just too broken to be fixed.  When I finally realised that, I was devastated, knowing that there is nothing more I can do.  I seriously tried a lot of things cause this really meant so much to me.  A lot of times, I wondered, am I the only one who wanted this because everyone else didn't really seem to care anymore...

After what happened last night, I felt like I got the answer I wanted.  I have no idea whether I am just a misfit but I feel like I didn't belong; and I know it's okay not to feel belonged in every situation but the words that I heard really made it's way to my heart and gave it a couple of quick slashes.  Call me sensitive, but I just cannot stand the prejudice that was indirectly aimed (I don't blame her, maybe she doesn't know, but she could definitely have phrased it better). 

Stereotypes.  Everyone isn't born the same way or have the same attitude or make the same decisions.  I felt that it was a little shallow of you to categorise everyone the same if they did certain things - eg. if someone smokes, it doesn't mean they are bad people - people aren't checklists (they might be facing unspoken circumstances, i don't know. you don't either)  

I wouldn't say I will never care anymore, because it is not an overnight feeling I can rid.  But I'l try not to put myself in a position where I would be vulnerable, not again.  I know I can't always drive things my way, compromise is always needed.  I also know that with my own effort it will never bring us anywhere, effort from all parties involved is needed.  But I just hope all these broken pieces will make sense next time, or maybe find it's way back together without me cutting myself each time I try to handle the sharp edges of the said pieces.

x

Truth

Certain things, I'd do anything to unsee.

Hm make that all the unhappy things.

But the world isn't like that. 

You don't get to choose things to see.

They are just lying there, for you to discover.

I never wanted to know this.  Even if I had a choice, I wouldn't want to know.  Although I admit, it crossed my mind a lot of times, way more than it should.  It's just the curiosity taking its toll, nudging at my conscience, Every. Single. Time.  But trust me, I tried to do what I do best, brush it off and psych myself that it's nothing, just my brain going dysfunctional on me.  It works... temporarily.

"Oh, it's all just coincidence!" -  I don't believe in that.  Well, I didn't, I'm not sure now.  I'd like to think everything happens for a reason, crossing paths with strangers, or even just a slight fall in school.  You see, you'l never know if that stranger could potentially be your spouse or if that slight fall could be the cause of your scoliosis.  I look at it this way, it's like a plot.  It's been written out, just waiting for execution.

But from that very moment that I saw it, i thought to myself it MUST be coincidence.  Either that, or I saw wrong.  There is zero possibility this is happening.  So I rubbed my eyes, hoping it was just dust that made me see things, but of course not, there it was, still right in front of me.

Next up, acceptance, now that's a difficult one.  Couldn't run any further from the truth, because it just drains you out each day, from all the avoiding and denying but in the end, nothing has changed.  Of course, I wanted everything to remain as it was, I really still want that now.  But (ugh I hate this word) there is certainly no denying the truth, because what happened, happened.  Sometimes, I just wish that I could pick another option and another outcome would miraculously appear, like you know, in story-oriented games.  However, this is reality.

Although I didn't really seem to have much of a choice from the beginning up till this point (besides from choosing to accept the truth) I know it's all up to me on what happens next.  The Action.  Well, that'l be another story by itself, something I don't even know yet, I just wish I knew what the guidelines were, I really don't want to mess this up.  Sigh no such luck though but it's time.  Time to wake up from this nightmare and get myself prepared for the storm that's about to come.

I tried.. to be optimistic about this, I still do