Rants: Misfit

Have you ever tried so hard to pull something together but then it starts to fall apart?  Then, you realise it will never work the way you want it to be.

I always thought that if you persevered hard enough, gave it enough time, your effort will bear fruit and you will then achieve the results you dreamed for.  Well, this isn't the first time.  Nor the second. Or the third. Time and time again, the results were disappointing.  Nevertheless, I never gave up. (i regret this. i should have when it wasn't too late)

Some people say, 'don't give your whole heart away; save a piece for yourself just in case the worst happens.'  Well, it happened without even me realising.  It's not something you can control, the heart or your feelings (i mean you can't summon anger to go away and never appear in your life right - you can only suppress them).  And now, whenever I think about it, it hurts.   Was I too careless?  Was it my fault?  Am I the one to blame for trying?  Did everything backfire or would it turn out the same if I didn't care?

I honestly don't know if I am expressing myself the right way; because whatever I seem to be doing isn't working.  I prefer to be really straight-forward in expressing myself (my word choices may not be excellent either, I know) rather than say things you'd like to hear.  I tried every approach there is (it felt like it worked at the start but in the end... it was just an illusion) to show you that I really care.

I wanted to fix it.  But some things are just too broken to be fixed.  When I finally realised that, I was devastated, knowing that there is nothing more I can do.  I seriously tried a lot of things cause this really meant so much to me.  A lot of times, I wondered, am I the only one who wanted this because everyone else didn't really seem to care anymore...

After what happened last night, I felt like I got the answer I wanted.  I have no idea whether I am just a misfit but I feel like I didn't belong; and I know it's okay not to feel belonged in every situation but the words that I heard really made it's way to my heart and gave it a couple of quick slashes.  Call me sensitive, but I just cannot stand the prejudice that was indirectly aimed (I don't blame her, maybe she doesn't know, but she could definitely have phrased it better). 

Stereotypes.  Everyone isn't born the same way or have the same attitude or make the same decisions.  I felt that it was a little shallow of you to categorise everyone the same if they did certain things - eg. if someone smokes, it doesn't mean they are bad people - people aren't checklists (they might be facing unspoken circumstances, i don't know. you don't either)  

I wouldn't say I will never care anymore, because it is not an overnight feeling I can rid.  But I'l try not to put myself in a position where I would be vulnerable, not again.  I know I can't always drive things my way, compromise is always needed.  I also know that with my own effort it will never bring us anywhere, effort from all parties involved is needed.  But I just hope all these broken pieces will make sense next time, or maybe find it's way back together without me cutting myself each time I try to handle the sharp edges of the said pieces.

x

Truth

Certain things, I'd do anything to unsee.

Hm make that all the unhappy things.

But the world isn't like that. 

You don't get to choose things to see.

They are just lying there, for you to discover.

I never wanted to know this.  Even if I had a choice, I wouldn't want to know.  Although I admit, it crossed my mind a lot of times, way more than it should.  It's just the curiosity taking its toll, nudging at my conscience, Every. Single. Time.  But trust me, I tried to do what I do best, brush it off and psych myself that it's nothing, just my brain going dysfunctional on me.  It works... temporarily.

"Oh, it's all just coincidence!" -  I don't believe in that.  Well, I didn't, I'm not sure now.  I'd like to think everything happens for a reason, crossing paths with strangers, or even just a slight fall in school.  You see, you'l never know if that stranger could potentially be your spouse or if that slight fall could be the cause of your scoliosis.  I look at it this way, it's like a plot.  It's been written out, just waiting for execution.

But from that very moment that I saw it, i thought to myself it MUST be coincidence.  Either that, or I saw wrong.  There is zero possibility this is happening.  So I rubbed my eyes, hoping it was just dust that made me see things, but of course not, there it was, still right in front of me.

Next up, acceptance, now that's a difficult one.  Couldn't run any further from the truth, because it just drains you out each day, from all the avoiding and denying but in the end, nothing has changed.  Of course, I wanted everything to remain as it was, I really still want that now.  But (ugh I hate this word) there is certainly no denying the truth, because what happened, happened.  Sometimes, I just wish that I could pick another option and another outcome would miraculously appear, like you know, in story-oriented games.  However, this is reality.

Although I didn't really seem to have much of a choice from the beginning up till this point (besides from choosing to accept the truth) I know it's all up to me on what happens next.  The Action.  Well, that'l be another story by itself, something I don't even know yet, I just wish I knew what the guidelines were, I really don't want to mess this up.  Sigh no such luck though but it's time.  Time to wake up from this nightmare and get myself prepared for the storm that's about to come.

I tried.. to be optimistic about this, I still do

Where did I go?

So I have returned!  I know, I know it's been more than a year since my last post, this hiatus turned out to be more like a permanent disappearance hahah.  So sorry! :( Well pretty sure no one even comes here anymore, but just in case, if you still do, nice to still see you around :)

Okay so I basically started this blog as a means of honestly expressing how I feel, writing about the things and people I love, or just random crap that comes my way.  However, I don't know when this started but I began stressing out over what I post, which is actually pretty funny because you see, I try to post what I really want to post but then I feel like it is not something people would want to read about, and then I take it down. Sooner or later, I no longer blog, even if I do it's all drafts.

So what was I up to? Well, I graduated A-levels with pretty amazing results which makes me really really happy cause I totally did NOT expect this (miracles do happen HAHA) and now I am just waiting for placements in universities.  While on a break from blogging, I grew and learned a lot as a person. Obviously, coming back, I read through some of my old posts just to get an idea of how I used to do it, and I can't stop myself from laughing at the initial few posts I uploaded. I wanted to remove those, but then, maybe not - because it reminds me of the person I used to be. The happy-go-lucky, the one who gets all hyper for all the wrong reasons.  I miss that girl.

Hm, I wouldn't say I changed a lot, but my perspective on certain things definitely changed (who knew one year could give you this much impact on life) but now, I totally understand why people say, 'that event I attended was an eye-opener'.  I feel things differently now, I learned to let go of things or incidents or even people that don't really matter, that some people are present in certain chapters of your life so you could learn from them. Lessons. E.g.- No matter how much you despise someone, remember - they are there so you could learn and develop as a human being, to be stronger or more patient or just not take the small stuff so seriously.  Personally, I feel all these little things we get from other people, all these lessons or memories, are really what we should cherish because these are the things that molded us into becoming who we are NOW and who we are going to be in the future.

With all that being said, I would like to now start this diary again, to pen in my daily/weekly two cents, inspirations and just random things I want to say.  Honestly, I am anticipating to share this journey with you (but who am I kidding, hm well maybe just the diary cause no one actually reads this... anyway).  so now, let's embark on this chapter of more self-exploring and I can't wait to join and participate in a lot more things to stretch my limits and step out of the comfort zone that I have been enclosing myself in.  Here's to more adventures and silliness!

xoxo

"You won't be able to do it"

"At your age, you won't be able to do it."

Upon hearing that statement, I was shocked. Baffled. Wait a minute, someone who is fourteen could be an adult. An adult is someone who thinks like an adult and perceive themselves as an adult. The 14-year-old might have more experiences than an adult.  Experience comes with memories and events that took place, definitely not age. You could be a 40-year-old and laze around all day at home, eating chips on the couch, and have less experience than a 20-year-old.

At that moment, I was shocked and it really stung right on point. However, there were some kind souls who stood up for me, stopping her from elaborating. If I said I was not insulted, I would be lying but I did not take it too much to the heart. I respected her opinion. Talking back isn't going to be a solution, it would not change her mind. So what is the next best thing to do?

"I had to prove myself through actions!"

So, I took in those words as motivation and it definitely spurred me to greater heights, to do my very very best.  I placed my whole heart into doing the best I can.  I practiced the whole presentation both in my head and aloud just in case I blanked out.

Those words - It served as a driving force, which kept me going.  Many people were really supportive, and they gave me every reason to be fantastic in doing what I do, because they had faith in me. And for that, I am honestly more than thankful.

So how did the presentation go?

It went really smoothly, just how I wanted it to be, of course this would be impossible if my course mates were not cooperative. Oh, and I am really grateful for all the positive feedback I had, it was really invaluable. Two of my friends from the same team stood up for me at the end of the presentation too :') (no, it was not 100% perfect, it still had its flaws, but what is perfection without imperfections)

"Your presentation was really good! Is this the first time you did it? Wow, you are making me stressed out for mine now"

"She's a natural. Please consider training as a career. If you train, I will go to your training"

"I could see that she did not falter at all."

"Looking at your background of being a 19 year old, I must say I am really impressed!"

"One word - Awesome! Now don't ever look down on the younger generations!"

All these thoughts, words and actions meant so so much to me.  It made me feel really good and I was seriously emotionally touched. I never imagined myself being able to fit in with all these people from all walks of life, be it doctors, directors - but they were all simply amazing.

This whole episode is something I really cherish and want to hold on to for the rest of my earthly life. It was not easy to look past the anger and frustration, but I did it, I am actually really happy and grateful that comment was put out - because a large part of my success was basically driven from that statement. So if you are facing the same situation I faced, believe that you CAN too, put in your best effort and you will turn out to be AMAZING! :)

The Avengers
Don't have a picture of the complete Train the Trainer course yet, but for now this will do :)