Ups and Downs

In life, there are ups and downs which will cause deep memories.  Tonight is just one of those nights.  Problems registering themselves one by one, killing me a little more and scarring my fragile heart.  Can i not tend to all these problems and live solitarily?  The answer is no.

I just could not stop the tears from pouring down, its like raining cats and dogs now.  And i can't stop em.  I really hope it fades with the passage of time and never let me remember tonight, please.  Can i wake up and discover all these a huge and ugly nightmare and go back to my usual self?  The answer is probably no again?

It hurts so much to hear those words from you.  The three words that I would never expect to hear from you to me.  It hurts so much to remember the way you said it.  It hurts so much to know that it is a slip of the tongue.  It hurts so much you did not even bother to apologize after.  It hurts incredibly to know that I am what you said.  What do you mean?  Am i not supposed to be in this cruel human world?

And yet, to claim you as my hero, its all wrong.  Why am i so naive and think you would really love me?  Why am i so naive to think that you are doing all this for me, and for me only?  "Love was massaged onto me, and the fragrance could be smelled miles away"?  How stupid is that? Pfft.

I defended you when people looked down on you, but i guess i was wrong all this while?  Why must you say it out loud?  My heart is now in pieces and i just couldnt find a glue strong enough to stick them together.  It is broken completely.

Not to mention the tremendous stress i have on all my upcoming exams.  it just all have to be perfect, if not, near to perfection.  I admit i am a perfectionist and will get really mad when things don't go my way.  I am born this way and i tried my best to change my views on thinking.

Focusing isn't my forte.  And so are my turns.  Though i tried really hard to spot, i seem to always look elsewhere in the end.  And ballet is my partial life since i have been living it since three? four? Please don't hurt me since i tried my very best to embrace you.  People might say that my steps aren't as good as others but who cares? I just try to be better than myself :)

My eyes are now puffed up and all ruddy from the immense crying just now and i still can't stop the tap from flowing though.  Should I forgive and forget?  It isn't as easy as people say it is.  Should i completely forget who you are as well?  Since you forgot me and i no longer exist in your life.  Should i really let it all go?  Should i even be that good?  I know i don't usually get angry at stuff and wouldn't scold people but that doesn't mean i don't okay?  If i do, whoever you are, are in deep trouble.


If only it were all a dream... a nightmare... a horrible story....