dear best friend

hey,

it's been a while since we last talked. i completely understand where you are taking this friendship, i just feel sorry for not realising earlier. i guess this is what being human beings are all about, we mess up. we take things for granted, only to realise too late. things like how i truly felt about you.

i miss you, best friend. i miss the times when we would talk till late night and debate about all things. i miss you nagging at me and for all your effort in making me realise who i really am. it's been a great friendship and i will keep it dear in my fragile heart for a long long time.

i hope you are doing better now. i hope you are in a much happier place with more deserving people.

xx

trust issues

i constantly find myself attempting to believe wholly and completely the things said by other people; and ceasing myself from being overly skeptical of the actual intentions behind every statement (i.e. whether they are merely saying things to be polite, get into my good shoes or if they truly meant it).

i have no idea when i became so broken. all i used to say was 'come on, you know i trust you more than anything'. well, i guess i am who i am now because obviously that statement was not conveyed well and all i got in return was a 'no, joyi you shouldn't have trusted me'.

can friendships or relationships work without trust? will i ever be able to put my guard down and let these invaders come in and make themselves comfortable; before tearing my heart apart as they walk away with it.

when will i be able to differentiate which version of the truth you gave is the closest to the actual truth?

xx

three little things

one

i wish to travel to some place far far away where everyone are strangers to the other; a place where new connections are established. wouldn't it be nice to be in a place where your past doesn't catch up to you? a fresh start. no 'the world is so small; your friend is a friend of someone else you know'. no going to places that reminds you of someone. no bumping into people you really don't want to meet again. no wishing to meet people who has hurt you before and yet you are left wondering about the what-ifs. then again, this sounds more like amnesia instead. maybe, just maybe, that'd be good.

two

am i the only one who has thoughts running through every nook and cranny of my mind? was it just a facade you put up or does it really not matter to you anymore that things are in this state now? does the promises you once made haunt you some nights? don't you want to reestablish that connection? 

i don't think emotional ties, especially those that you have expressed all your buried thoughts to the other, could ever be severed cleanly. 

three

will there ever be acceptance on my end? when will i ever learn to completely trust again? is time really all i need?

xx

note to self

make minimal future plans with people who mean a lot to reduce hurt; just in case anything unforeseeable really happens because shit happens sometimes. you don't want a future happy moment (that will never come true) haunt you during the most random of times; and potentially ruining your entire day.

xx

drifted

losing someone who was once a major part of your life sucks, especially when it happened for no good enough reason or just without proper closure.
one day, you just find yourself at this crossroads of  'are we still friends?' or 'do i brush it off and continue to text you? will that just seem too desperate?'
next, you read into your most recent messages and figure out what went wrong
boom! you read too much into the lines, overthink and get all down.
it doesn't just stop there;
with minds like mine;
minds that are uniquely carved in the sense that we can never stop asking why;
it goes on to bother your other relationships with people as well.

post-lost;
you constantly find yourself habituating in this fear;
fear that someone else who's equally as important might walk away too.
then, you try to conceal your emotions, because you can't afford to lose anyone else.
you certainly don't want to be a party pooper; the one exhibiting negative vibes all the time right? people don't like that
they would much rather surround themselves with Sally, the smiles and sunshine.

what happens after this?
do you ever heal?
will i ever heal?

x

i miss you, old friend.

better times

I don't understand how people could be so close to one person one moment and then pretend to be strangers the next. Do we just pretend that amnesia has hit us? Do we just find more fun people to hang with? Do we just not question and let things go or do we go desperate and do a full on confrontation about the direction the friendship or relationship is going?

I lost a lot in 2k17 but i gained a lot in return. Things i've lost, i miss sometimes (especially on nights when i have a little too much time). Things i've gained, i'm eternally grateful. I sometimes wish 2017 went a little differently but oh well; no point talking about that now hey. 

There's probably no linkage in the above two paragraphs.

Here's to better times in 2k18

x

hello, old friend

it's been a few months since i last came onto this space - a few months of trying to heal, trying to forget, searching for a reason to stay, a sense of belonging. it's been a tough few months. it's still tough but the tough keeps me going i guess.

through this few months, there were times when i felt like i finally found a reason to stay; a home. i felt complete, blessed with all these blessings coming my way (some bigger than the rest). i guess i was happy for a while, excited and nervous even.

i remember waking up one day with ed sheeran's playlist blasting; feeling all jittery about what's about to come, what's in store for me. i remember feeling at home, like things are finally making sense; that i was right to return.

on the other spectrum, i also remember cautioning myself not to step too near the cliff, the cliff that's too high for me to jump; reminding myself to take extra care while treading on thin ice; to not break this fragile thing i am dealing with. i remember feeling so confused and conflicted with all these emotions and with taking uncalculated risk, but being the girl i am, i took it anyway.

can't deny this, but taking such huge leaps of faith gives you this euphoria sometimes, the ecstasy you crave - almost as if you are free falling through the sky. but the thing with these falls, it ends - either with a bounce if you are well-equipped with a bungee cord or just with a huge splat on the ground, so i guess it depends on how well you safeguard your own emotions before the end.

i definitely don't regret coming back but these days, the feels are starting to kick in again (thus,  here i am, penning this down - guess i can only rant and write when I'm in the zone haha). that solid thing i have been holding on to feels like it has started turning into dust recently, and all i can do is watch helplessly as it crumbles out of my hands.

well, guess that's the thing about depending on something else (something worldly) for happiness; it may betray you and just disappear one fine day, without warning or a sign. but this, i have known from the start so nope, not surprised. i just didn't think that it would affect me as much i guess, since i tried so damn hard to keep my walls intact, to protect myself.

through all i've been through, at least one thing seems to stay constant - that i'll be fine again one day, probably not today or tomorrow; but someday, i will heal.

so, let's do this all over again.

xx