hello, old friend

it's been a few months since i last came onto this space - a few months of trying to heal, trying to forget, searching for a reason to stay, a sense of belonging. it's been a tough few months. it's still tough but the tough keeps me going i guess.

through this few months, there were times when i felt like i finally found a reason to stay; a home. i felt complete, blessed with all these blessings coming my way (some bigger than the rest). i guess i was happy for a while, excited and nervous even.

i remember waking up one day with ed sheeran's playlist blasting; feeling all jittery about what's about to come, what's in store for me. i remember feeling at home, like things are finally making sense; that i was right to return.

on the other spectrum, i also remember cautioning myself not to step too near the cliff, the cliff that's too high for me to jump; reminding myself to take extra care while treading on thin ice; to not break this fragile thing i am dealing with. i remember feeling so confused and conflicted with all these emotions and with taking uncalculated risk, but being the girl i am, i took it anyway.

can't deny this, but taking such huge leaps of faith gives you this euphoria sometimes, the ecstasy you crave - almost as if you are free falling through the sky. but the thing with these falls, it ends - either with a bounce if you are well-equipped with a bungee cord or just with a huge splat on the ground, so i guess it depends on how well you safeguard your own emotions before the end.

i definitely don't regret coming back but these days, the feels are starting to kick in again (thus,  here i am, penning this down - guess i can only rant and write when I'm in the zone haha). that solid thing i have been holding on to feels like it has started turning into dust recently, and all i can do is watch helplessly as it crumbles out of my hands.

well, guess that's the thing about depending on something else (something worldly) for happiness; it may betray you and just disappear one fine day, without warning or a sign. but this, i have known from the start so nope, not surprised. i just didn't think that it would affect me as much i guess, since i tried so damn hard to keep my walls intact, to protect myself.

through all i've been through, at least one thing seems to stay constant - that i'll be fine again one day, probably not today or tomorrow; but someday, i will heal.

so, let's do this all over again.

xx