Rants: Misfit

Have you ever tried so hard to pull something together but then it starts to fall apart?  Then, you realise it will never work the way you want it to be.

I always thought that if you persevered hard enough, gave it enough time, your effort will bear fruit and you will then achieve the results you dreamed for.  Well, this isn't the first time.  Nor the second. Or the third. Time and time again, the results were disappointing.  Nevertheless, I never gave up. (i regret this. i should have when it wasn't too late)

Some people say, 'don't give your whole heart away; save a piece for yourself just in case the worst happens.'  Well, it happened without even me realising.  It's not something you can control, the heart or your feelings (i mean you can't summon anger to go away and never appear in your life right - you can only suppress them).  And now, whenever I think about it, it hurts.   Was I too careless?  Was it my fault?  Am I the one to blame for trying?  Did everything backfire or would it turn out the same if I didn't care?

I honestly don't know if I am expressing myself the right way; because whatever I seem to be doing isn't working.  I prefer to be really straight-forward in expressing myself (my word choices may not be excellent either, I know) rather than say things you'd like to hear.  I tried every approach there is (it felt like it worked at the start but in the end... it was just an illusion) to show you that I really care.

I wanted to fix it.  But some things are just too broken to be fixed.  When I finally realised that, I was devastated, knowing that there is nothing more I can do.  I seriously tried a lot of things cause this really meant so much to me.  A lot of times, I wondered, am I the only one who wanted this because everyone else didn't really seem to care anymore...

After what happened last night, I felt like I got the answer I wanted.  I have no idea whether I am just a misfit but I feel like I didn't belong; and I know it's okay not to feel belonged in every situation but the words that I heard really made it's way to my heart and gave it a couple of quick slashes.  Call me sensitive, but I just cannot stand the prejudice that was indirectly aimed (I don't blame her, maybe she doesn't know, but she could definitely have phrased it better). 

Stereotypes.  Everyone isn't born the same way or have the same attitude or make the same decisions.  I felt that it was a little shallow of you to categorise everyone the same if they did certain things - eg. if someone smokes, it doesn't mean they are bad people - people aren't checklists (they might be facing unspoken circumstances, i don't know. you don't either)  

I wouldn't say I will never care anymore, because it is not an overnight feeling I can rid.  But I'l try not to put myself in a position where I would be vulnerable, not again.  I know I can't always drive things my way, compromise is always needed.  I also know that with my own effort it will never bring us anywhere, effort from all parties involved is needed.  But I just hope all these broken pieces will make sense next time, or maybe find it's way back together without me cutting myself each time I try to handle the sharp edges of the said pieces.

x

Truth

Certain things, I'd do anything to unsee.

Hm make that all the unhappy things.

But the world isn't like that. 

You don't get to choose things to see.

They are just lying there, for you to discover.

I never wanted to know this.  Even if I had a choice, I wouldn't want to know.  Although I admit, it crossed my mind a lot of times, way more than it should.  It's just the curiosity taking its toll, nudging at my conscience, Every. Single. Time.  But trust me, I tried to do what I do best, brush it off and psych myself that it's nothing, just my brain going dysfunctional on me.  It works... temporarily.

"Oh, it's all just coincidence!" -  I don't believe in that.  Well, I didn't, I'm not sure now.  I'd like to think everything happens for a reason, crossing paths with strangers, or even just a slight fall in school.  You see, you'l never know if that stranger could potentially be your spouse or if that slight fall could be the cause of your scoliosis.  I look at it this way, it's like a plot.  It's been written out, just waiting for execution.

But from that very moment that I saw it, i thought to myself it MUST be coincidence.  Either that, or I saw wrong.  There is zero possibility this is happening.  So I rubbed my eyes, hoping it was just dust that made me see things, but of course not, there it was, still right in front of me.

Next up, acceptance, now that's a difficult one.  Couldn't run any further from the truth, because it just drains you out each day, from all the avoiding and denying but in the end, nothing has changed.  Of course, I wanted everything to remain as it was, I really still want that now.  But (ugh I hate this word) there is certainly no denying the truth, because what happened, happened.  Sometimes, I just wish that I could pick another option and another outcome would miraculously appear, like you know, in story-oriented games.  However, this is reality.

Although I didn't really seem to have much of a choice from the beginning up till this point (besides from choosing to accept the truth) I know it's all up to me on what happens next.  The Action.  Well, that'l be another story by itself, something I don't even know yet, I just wish I knew what the guidelines were, I really don't want to mess this up.  Sigh no such luck though but it's time.  Time to wake up from this nightmare and get myself prepared for the storm that's about to come.

I tried.. to be optimistic about this, I still do