nostalgia

i miss the banters we used to have, best friend.
i miss the times we used to argue on things and agree to disagree.
i miss being constantly stimulated and kept on edge about things.
all those times pale in comparison to all the conversations i have now.
it makes me realise how much i hate idle talks of 'how was meals' and 'what are you doing'.
i wish i have replies in paragraphs instead of the typical 'oh okay' or 'hahaha'.
i wish i could still honestly speak out how i feel.
i wish i could complain all day and never loathe myself for doing so.
but they are not you.
and you are not here.
not anymore.

but that's okay!
i just hope i can stop thinking of running to someone to rant or talk about my overwhelming feelings and realising you're no longer there.
x

dear best friend

hey,

it's been a while since we last talked. i completely understand where you are taking this friendship, i just feel sorry for not realising earlier. i guess this is what being human beings are all about, we mess up. we take things for granted, only to realise too late. things like how i truly felt about you.

i miss you, best friend. i miss the times when we would talk till late night and debate about all things. i miss you nagging at me and for all your effort in making me realise who i really am. it's been a great friendship and i will keep it dear in my fragile heart for a long long time.

i hope you are doing better now. i hope you are in a much happier place with more deserving people.

xx

trust issues

i constantly find myself attempting to believe wholly and completely the things said by other people; and ceasing myself from being overly skeptical of the actual intentions behind every statement (i.e. whether they are merely saying things to be polite, get into my good shoes or if they truly meant it).

i have no idea when i became so broken. all i used to say was 'come on, you know i trust you more than anything'. well, i guess i am who i am now because obviously that statement was not conveyed well and all i got in return was a 'no, joyi you shouldn't have trusted me'.

can friendships or relationships work without trust? will i ever be able to put my guard down and let these invaders come in and make themselves comfortable; before tearing my heart apart as they walk away with it.

when will i be able to differentiate which version of the truth you gave is the closest to the actual truth?

xx

three little things

one

i wish to travel to some place far far away where everyone are strangers to the other; a place where new connections are established. wouldn't it be nice to be in a place where your past doesn't catch up to you? a fresh start. no 'the world is so small; your friend is a friend of someone else you know'. no going to places that reminds you of someone. no bumping into people you really don't want to meet again. no wishing to meet people who has hurt you before and yet you are left wondering about the what-ifs. then again, this sounds more like amnesia instead. maybe, just maybe, that'd be good.

two

am i the only one who has thoughts running through every nook and cranny of my mind? was it just a facade you put up or does it really not matter to you anymore that things are in this state now? does the promises you once made haunt you some nights? don't you want to reestablish that connection? 

i don't think emotional ties, especially those that you have expressed all your buried thoughts to the other, could ever be severed cleanly. 

three

will there ever be acceptance on my end? when will i ever learn to completely trust again? is time really all i need?

xx

note to self

make minimal future plans with people who mean a lot to reduce hurt; just in case anything unforeseeable really happens because shit happens sometimes. you don't want a future happy moment (that will never come true) haunt you during the most random of times; and potentially ruining your entire day.

xx

drifted

losing someone who was once a major part of your life sucks, especially when it happened for no good enough reason or just without proper closure.
one day, you just find yourself at this crossroads of  'are we still friends?' or 'do i brush it off and continue to text you? will that just seem too desperate?'
next, you read into your most recent messages and figure out what went wrong
boom! you read too much into the lines, overthink and get all down.
it doesn't just stop there;
with minds like mine;
minds that are uniquely carved in the sense that we can never stop asking why;
it goes on to bother your other relationships with people as well.

post-lost;
you constantly find yourself habituating in this fear;
fear that someone else who's equally as important might walk away too.
then, you try to conceal your emotions, because you can't afford to lose anyone else.
you certainly don't want to be a party pooper; the one exhibiting negative vibes all the time right? people don't like that
they would much rather surround themselves with Sally, the smiles and sunshine.

what happens after this?
do you ever heal?
will i ever heal?

x

i miss you, old friend.

better times

I don't understand how people could be so close to one person one moment and then pretend to be strangers the next. Do we just pretend that amnesia has hit us? Do we just find more fun people to hang with? Do we just not question and let things go or do we go desperate and do a full on confrontation about the direction the friendship or relationship is going?

I lost a lot in 2k17 but i gained a lot in return. Things i've lost, i miss sometimes (especially on nights when i have a little too much time). Things i've gained, i'm eternally grateful. I sometimes wish 2017 went a little differently but oh well; no point talking about that now hey. 

There's probably no linkage in the above two paragraphs.

Here's to better times in 2k18

x