it's been a few months since i last came onto this space - a few months of trying to heal, trying to forget, searching for a reason to stay, a sense of belonging. it's been a tough few months. it's still tough but the tough keeps me going i guess.
through this few months, there were times when i felt like i finally found a reason to stay; a home. i felt complete, blessed with all these blessings coming my way (some bigger than the rest). i guess i was happy for a while, excited and nervous even.
i remember waking up one day with ed sheeran's playlist blasting; feeling all jittery about what's about to come, what's in store for me. i remember feeling at home, like things are finally making sense; that i was right to return.
on the other spectrum, i also remember cautioning myself not to step too near the cliff, the cliff that's too high for me to jump; reminding myself to take extra care while treading on thin ice; to not break this fragile thing i am dealing with. i remember feeling so confused and conflicted with all these emotions and with taking uncalculated risk, but being the girl i am, i took it anyway.
can't deny this, but taking such huge leaps of faith gives you this euphoria sometimes, the ecstasy you crave - almost as if you are free falling through the sky. but the thing with these falls, it ends - either with a bounce if you are well-equipped with a bungee cord or just with a huge splat on the ground, so i guess it depends on how well you safeguard your own emotions before the end.
i definitely don't regret coming back but these days, the feels are starting to kick in again (thus, here i am, penning this down - guess i can only rant and write when I'm in the zone haha). that solid thing i have been holding on to feels like it has started turning into dust recently, and all i can do is watch helplessly as it crumbles out of my hands.
well, guess that's the thing about depending on something else (something worldly) for happiness; it may betray you and just disappear one fine day, without warning or a sign. but this, i have known from the start so nope, not surprised. i just didn't think that it would affect me as much i guess, since i tried so damn hard to keep my walls intact, to protect myself.
through all i've been through, at least one thing seems to stay constant - that i'll be fine again one day, probably not today or tomorrow; but someday, i will heal.
so, let's do this all over again.
xx
Friday, August 18, 2017
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Moving Day
 |
| The view from my new place. |
Correction: Technically, I am still writing in this chapter I was/am in but probably this is just a second part to it.
Choices and change. Many people fear change. I know I do. I am not exactly a huge fan of 'oh, life is a huge box of mystery. let's just jump at it!' But with change, comes growth.
We make choices. Should I remain in a place of comfort or should I brave myself and accept this change and while doing that, stretch myself and grow? It's really easy to say 'Stretch. Grow. Embrace change.' and bla. But actually doing it, it's a whole other story.
See. I am a really fickle person, probably the most fickle person you could meet. On one hand, I tend to shy away from things I do not know or I am unsure of (e.g.: the future) so way more times than not, I find myself wallowing in my comfort zone just because I freaking love that space. On the other hand, I yearn for growth too because I'l eventually loathe myself for being stagnant for too long (when I mean stagnant, I mean just doing the routine stuff) so at times like these, you could see me making drastic (some) decisions that I might or might not regret in the future.
I have no idea if this choice was right but I guess the only way to find out is by experiencing it.
I miss the Brissie life more than ever now and it's definitely going to be a whole of difference but I know I'l survive and one day, I guess I'l be ready to talk about it.
I miss the Brissie life more than ever now and it's definitely going to be a whole of difference but I know I'l survive and one day, I guess I'l be ready to talk about it.
x
So, today, I am officially moving into this new place. It's been so hectic, we literally just started packing yesterday (obviously not a fan). My sister is moving in with me! Yay! My previous history with strangers wasn't really a success story so I am really really blessed I finally have someone who knows me in and out be my housemate!
Also, I am not happy that most of my apartment stuff are left in Brissie because things got busy back home and I couldn't really find time to get my stuff. So, I'l have to wait till the next break to head there and collect what I left (nice job, joyi). Oh and fyi, I left a hell lot of stuff there (I think six boxes or so.... z).
xx
xx
Friday, March 17, 2017
Attached.
I can't get over this feeling. It haunts me every other night. I got too attached, I took things for granted. I figured I had more time - time to do all the things I promised myself to do before bidding farewell. These fleeting images keep popping into mind whenever I close my eyes (to try) to sleep. I distract myself with all sorts of things in the day but when night falls, nostalgic thoughts run across my mind like they are on steroids.
It still feels very surreal that my path has changed once again; maybe this is what was in store for me this whole time, maybe this is the better choice (or not). Making decisions have never been my forte - logic over emotions, brain over heart. Emotional or impulse decisions aren't the way to go, they say. I sometimes wish I had the courage to do the opposite of what my nudging conscience tells me to.
Tonight is one of those nights - nights when I tremendously miss and long for a feeling. A feeling that only exists in that place. It was in that place that I discovered my new found love for soup - all kinds of soup. I loved that warm and fuzzy feeling it creates that felt like home. I didn't know what it was at that time, but I fell in love - with the place, the people, the city lights, the skies, the ferry rides and the evening strolls along the river. I felt free, blessed, occasionally small and stressed and yet I was granted this peace I have never felt so strongly before.
As much as I'd like to cling onto this feeling, I am well aware that I shouldn't borrow time from the future to pay for my past.
It still feels very surreal that my path has changed once again; maybe this is what was in store for me this whole time, maybe this is the better choice (or not). Making decisions have never been my forte - logic over emotions, brain over heart. Emotional or impulse decisions aren't the way to go, they say. I sometimes wish I had the courage to do the opposite of what my nudging conscience tells me to.
Tonight is one of those nights - nights when I tremendously miss and long for a feeling. A feeling that only exists in that place. It was in that place that I discovered my new found love for soup - all kinds of soup. I loved that warm and fuzzy feeling it creates that felt like home. I didn't know what it was at that time, but I fell in love - with the place, the people, the city lights, the skies, the ferry rides and the evening strolls along the river. I felt free, blessed, occasionally small and stressed and yet I was granted this peace I have never felt so strongly before.
As much as I'd like to cling onto this feeling, I am well aware that I shouldn't borrow time from the future to pay for my past.
It's time to move on to the next chapter of life but I will always hold dear to heart the memories I created in that place - a place I call my temporary home, always and forever.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Let us all feel
A couple days ago, I read an article on thoughtcatalog which then inspired me to write because I resonated a lot to it and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. It is about how people these days tend to repress and ignore their feelings because feeling something, be it sadness or grief, is often labelled as being weak by society and how most people resolve to distractions such as alcohol, video games, television shows or even massive chunks of work just to forget and be numb to the pain for a little bit.
Thoughts raced back to every single occasion when someone asked me 'Are you okay?' or 'Why did you choose to do ...?' or 'How has your week been?'. Every single time, my answer would never stray too far from the typical shrug accompanied by a 'Yeah, I'm alright.' or 'Um..well, that's a long story.' It's pretty amazing how all of someone's life's complications and complex idiosyncrasies could be reduced to a mere shrug and a couple of words.
I have no idea when it started but I plead guilty for brushing most acts of kindness or signs of care as courtesy acts. I can no longer differentiate if someone genuinely cares for my wellbeing or that a question is simply a good icebreaker. Every 'How are you?' just feels so common that the appropriate answer would be 'Oh! I'm good/fine' even when it's hurting way too much inside. This reminds me of a conversation I had with my friend, Michelle, some time ago.
So, here's the thing about university life, you get the opportunity to meet new people all the time, which is amazing but not everyone you meet would be your ultimate bff the next minute. More often than not, most of these people would eventually just turn out to be acquaintances. Thus, whenever you see them around university, most questions directed to us about our wellbeing would usually be made out of courtesy. Both of us thought that it would be pretty awkward if we answered otherwise (our day was bad etc) because they are probably not that interested with the life of someone they met from a 2-hour lecture last week.
But honestly, THIS. messes. up. with. my. head. so. much. I understand that it is only ethical to show concern for someone else, but if you don't do it sincerely, what's the point of asking? A simple hi and bye would definitely suffice. But again, it could be just me.
We are constantly exposed with the 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade' or the inspirational talks/articles on personalities who braved through horrendous storms optimistically with a smile on their faces. All these people who stayed strong no matter how bad the situation was. It wasn't 'When life gives you lemons, take a moment to feel and then make lemonade'. It is almost as if feeling sad or crying is a sign of weakness and that won't do if you want to establish authority and respect as an adult. You have got to keep a brave front, be it a facade. That you too can be as strong as the people out there. So we keep it in and keep that curve on our faces despite that one part of us that feels like screaming it all out.
Keeping it in hurts. I know expressing our feelings may somehow make us feel vulnerable; weak even, but the split second of shame or hurt in pride will never compare to the amount of pain keeping it in causes.
It was a lesson I had to learn the hard way (although mine probably wasn't as bad as what a lot of other people out there have been put through). A lesson I wish everyone else would know, minus the pain. A lesson that it is okay to feel, to be vulnerable once in a while. We don't have to be strong and cold to be respected. We don't have to be emotionless to be deemed a worthy adult. It is absolutely necessary to feel because it is what makes us human. It is alright to cry once in a while, everyone does, don't let social media or society tell you otherwise.
On a lighter note, Chinese New Year is coming up and I can't wait to feast (yes, if you follow me on Snap, I know I eat all the time, I'm a major foodie!). Okay, I am also very excited to meet and catch-up friends and family who will most probably back in my hometown once every year.
Thoughts raced back to every single occasion when someone asked me 'Are you okay?' or 'Why did you choose to do ...?' or 'How has your week been?'. Every single time, my answer would never stray too far from the typical shrug accompanied by a 'Yeah, I'm alright.' or 'Um..well, that's a long story.' It's pretty amazing how all of someone's life's complications and complex idiosyncrasies could be reduced to a mere shrug and a couple of words.
I have no idea when it started but I plead guilty for brushing most acts of kindness or signs of care as courtesy acts. I can no longer differentiate if someone genuinely cares for my wellbeing or that a question is simply a good icebreaker. Every 'How are you?' just feels so common that the appropriate answer would be 'Oh! I'm good/fine' even when it's hurting way too much inside. This reminds me of a conversation I had with my friend, Michelle, some time ago.
So, here's the thing about university life, you get the opportunity to meet new people all the time, which is amazing but not everyone you meet would be your ultimate bff the next minute. More often than not, most of these people would eventually just turn out to be acquaintances. Thus, whenever you see them around university, most questions directed to us about our wellbeing would usually be made out of courtesy. Both of us thought that it would be pretty awkward if we answered otherwise (our day was bad etc) because they are probably not that interested with the life of someone they met from a 2-hour lecture last week.
But honestly, THIS. messes. up. with. my. head. so. much. I understand that it is only ethical to show concern for someone else, but if you don't do it sincerely, what's the point of asking? A simple hi and bye would definitely suffice. But again, it could be just me.
We are constantly exposed with the 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade' or the inspirational talks/articles on personalities who braved through horrendous storms optimistically with a smile on their faces. All these people who stayed strong no matter how bad the situation was. It wasn't 'When life gives you lemons, take a moment to feel and then make lemonade'. It is almost as if feeling sad or crying is a sign of weakness and that won't do if you want to establish authority and respect as an adult. You have got to keep a brave front, be it a facade. That you too can be as strong as the people out there. So we keep it in and keep that curve on our faces despite that one part of us that feels like screaming it all out.
Keeping it in hurts. I know expressing our feelings may somehow make us feel vulnerable; weak even, but the split second of shame or hurt in pride will never compare to the amount of pain keeping it in causes.
I have been through something like this; a few weeks into university.
At that point in time, I felt like I could handle it by myself and I made the decision to just let the pain stay inside.
I became more guarded, tried not to let anyone else sense that something was wrong.
Kept that smile on my face and reduced contact with everyone, just in case it got super obvious that something was up.
Kept that smile on my face and reduced contact with everyone, just in case it got super obvious that something was up.
Basically, I set up a huge fort around me, a gesture to insulate the pain.
I was drowning and yet, I told myself I can do it.
I distracted myself. I was all over the place.
I was alone, I have never felt so alone in my life.
I didn't want to burden anyone with my problems; problems that I have to come to terms with myself.
Friends and family from afar asked me about it but I brushed them off. New friends I met sensed that something was wrong, but I didn't feel like they would actually be interested in my problems.
I wasn't ready.
That period was so tough. Eventually, I was on the brink of breaking. I had to tell someone.
Once I did, the pain was so so much easier to bear.
I am still guarded, but no longer a fort. Let's just say, I'm like an onion, I have my layers.
I am definitely more open to the idea that there are people who do genuinely care if only I let them and the amount of time you've met someone doesn't necessarily equate their interest in you. You could have known someone for years or decades but they can get so caught up in their own lives that they could no longer make time for you. On the other hand, you could meet someone just yesterday and feel that you guys have known each other for a really really long time.
I am definitely more open to the idea that there are people who do genuinely care if only I let them and the amount of time you've met someone doesn't necessarily equate their interest in you. You could have known someone for years or decades but they can get so caught up in their own lives that they could no longer make time for you. On the other hand, you could meet someone just yesterday and feel that you guys have known each other for a really really long time.
 |
| Here's something I took from last year's Aussie road trip @ Newcastle's Church! Till next time xx |
9/1/2017 (Can you please help me?)
It is now 1am in the morning as I try to recollect everything that has happened today (technically yesterday's) as quickly as I could before the 14% on my laptop runs out and before my mind turns blank from the fatigue after a long day.
Today... was pure insanity but I guess it would make a very good lesson-cum-life experience. Hm, absolutely not proud of it, but what's done is done and it is time to move on with life; holding this experience dear to heart.
So, here goes.
Kudos to my much more organised sister compared to myself, the day started out fantastic tbh; improvised a little here and there but we were very much on time and even, a little ahead of time (which is trust me, pretty surprising). We were contented and even made little jokes about it while savouring our hearty little meal at one of the Korean restaurants we frequented in Gardens Mall.
However, after lunch, things got a little (or a lot) out of hand.
So as usual, on the streets of Malaysia, under the scorching sun, you will definitely see a few people claiming to be from some sort of unknown organisation either asking for some donation or pestering passersby to buy whatever they are offering. Okay, maybe it was pure bad luck today or that my sister and I looked like really nice folks; we were approached several times. The first three times, we just simply shrugged them off.
I guess this is how nice people are taken advantage of. I mean it wasn't only us; a lot of other students 'helped' them out too with sums much larger than ours. We felt really bad for being so naive to actually offer willingly to 'help' them out in the first place. We also can't stop feeling sad and angry at how evil these people are for taking advantage of other people's kindness.These people are probably one of the major reasons people are no longer nice out there, since being nice is always associated to being bullied and pressurised into doing things you don't actually want to. I personally witnessed a lot of nice people who grew to have heart of stones today, just because they hurt too much from always being the ones feeling deceived. They have had enough of imbeciles who yearn at every opportunity they can to simply take advantage of 'nice' people.
This whole episode bugged me a lot the entire day today, contemplating if it really is worth it to be nice. Here's what I came up with - being nice and naive are two very different things. My sister may have been naive today for that short moment since she has a heart of gold; always a firm believer of lending a hand and being nice to all people. Today's experience took a toll out of her as it did me, and although it hasn't been pleasant, this is also a much needed reminder. A reminder to stay firm and to say no to things we don't want to do. A reminder to stay nice, but be smart about it. A reminder that not everyone out there has your best intentions on their mind, and that there are people with ulterior motives out there who would do anything to glean something out of you, so always be vigilant. A reminder to always and freely lend a hand to those really in need. A reminder to always stay true to ourselves and to stand up against unfairness and injustice.
However, that's not the end of today's story - we had bad luck part 2. So as I said earlier, we were ahead of time, but I guess we were contented too soon. We were scheduled to head home via train at 410 pm from the central station but due to a complete standstill of traffic at our area, we didn't manage to get a cab until 410 pm which also meant that we missed the freaking train home. We were devastated and my sister was so distraught from having her plans messed up that way (plus we stood under the insane hot sun for an hour plus whilst unwillingly getting a tan). The driver kept saying 7 more mins but I guess 7 mins actually meant an hour (Malaysia's traffic and timing tsk). So what happened?
Praise the Lord. We managed to grab ourselves tickets for the next train at 700pm and here I am at 130am in the morning of the next day, nestled in my comfy bed at home; feeling a need to document this. Also, the battery on my laptop is now at 8% and I should really get to sleep now before my biological clock gets all messed up again.
Today... was pure insanity but I guess it would make a very good lesson-cum-life experience. Hm, absolutely not proud of it, but what's done is done and it is time to move on with life; holding this experience dear to heart.
So, here goes.
Kudos to my much more organised sister compared to myself, the day started out fantastic tbh; improvised a little here and there but we were very much on time and even, a little ahead of time (which is trust me, pretty surprising). We were contented and even made little jokes about it while savouring our hearty little meal at one of the Korean restaurants we frequented in Gardens Mall.
However, after lunch, things got a little (or a lot) out of hand.
So as usual, on the streets of Malaysia, under the scorching sun, you will definitely see a few people claiming to be from some sort of unknown organisation either asking for some donation or pestering passersby to buy whatever they are offering. Okay, maybe it was pure bad luck today or that my sister and I looked like really nice folks; we were approached several times. The first three times, we just simply shrugged them off.
'Can you please help me? Please?'Instantly, that stopped us in our tracks because before that, they were saying what they were doing was just a petition and not a donation. So we were like ok fine, they just need a name and signature, let's just help if it's for a good cause. Blah blah, after filling out the deets and more talking; they asked for a certain sum of money to 'help' them in their ..art project? (i don't even remember what it was for). Although they claimed that we could decide how much we wanted to 'help' them with, the sum starts at a certain benchmark that is already way too high for ordinary students to dig out from their respective purses/wallets to pay an unknown organisation that's not even a charity. I hesitated a lot and almost wanted to leave but innocently and nicely, my sister handed over to them the minimum of the required sum (x3 cause there were three of them, begging for help). In return, they gave us a stupid faux rose; I am pretty sure that thing isn't even worth RM1 (but... the stalk is what's left of it now cause the flower got missing from all the travelling z goodjob joyi)
I guess this is how nice people are taken advantage of. I mean it wasn't only us; a lot of other students 'helped' them out too with sums much larger than ours. We felt really bad for being so naive to actually offer willingly to 'help' them out in the first place. We also can't stop feeling sad and angry at how evil these people are for taking advantage of other people's kindness.These people are probably one of the major reasons people are no longer nice out there, since being nice is always associated to being bullied and pressurised into doing things you don't actually want to. I personally witnessed a lot of nice people who grew to have heart of stones today, just because they hurt too much from always being the ones feeling deceived. They have had enough of imbeciles who yearn at every opportunity they can to simply take advantage of 'nice' people.
This whole episode bugged me a lot the entire day today, contemplating if it really is worth it to be nice. Here's what I came up with - being nice and naive are two very different things. My sister may have been naive today for that short moment since she has a heart of gold; always a firm believer of lending a hand and being nice to all people. Today's experience took a toll out of her as it did me, and although it hasn't been pleasant, this is also a much needed reminder. A reminder to stay firm and to say no to things we don't want to do. A reminder to stay nice, but be smart about it. A reminder that not everyone out there has your best intentions on their mind, and that there are people with ulterior motives out there who would do anything to glean something out of you, so always be vigilant. A reminder to always and freely lend a hand to those really in need. A reminder to always stay true to ourselves and to stand up against unfairness and injustice.
However, that's not the end of today's story - we had bad luck part 2. So as I said earlier, we were ahead of time, but I guess we were contented too soon. We were scheduled to head home via train at 410 pm from the central station but due to a complete standstill of traffic at our area, we didn't manage to get a cab until 410 pm which also meant that we missed the freaking train home. We were devastated and my sister was so distraught from having her plans messed up that way (plus we stood under the insane hot sun for an hour plus whilst unwillingly getting a tan). The driver kept saying 7 more mins but I guess 7 mins actually meant an hour (Malaysia's traffic and timing tsk). So what happened?
Praise the Lord. We managed to grab ourselves tickets for the next train at 700pm and here I am at 130am in the morning of the next day, nestled in my comfy bed at home; feeling a need to document this. Also, the battery on my laptop is now at 8% and I should really get to sleep now before my biological clock gets all messed up again.
'be kind and have courage, love'xx
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