Let us all feel

A couple days ago, I read an article on thoughtcatalog which then inspired me to write because I resonated a lot to it and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. It is about how people these days tend to repress and ignore their feelings because feeling something, be it sadness or grief, is often labelled as being weak by society and how most people resolve to distractions such as alcohol, video games, television shows or even massive chunks of work just to forget and be numb to the pain for a little bit.

Thoughts raced back to every single occasion when someone asked me 'Are you okay?' or 'Why did you choose to do ...?' or 'How has your week been?'. Every single time, my answer would never stray too far from the typical shrug accompanied by a 'Yeah, I'm alright.' or 'Um..well, that's a long story.' It's pretty amazing how all of someone's life's complications and complex idiosyncrasies could be reduced to a mere shrug and a couple of words.

I have no idea when it started but I plead guilty for brushing most acts of kindness or signs of care as courtesy acts. I can no longer differentiate if someone genuinely cares for my wellbeing or that a question is simply a good icebreaker. Every 'How are you?' just feels so common that the appropriate answer would be 'Oh! I'm good/fine' even when it's hurting way too much inside. This reminds me of a conversation I had with my friend, Michelle, some time ago.

So, here's the thing about university life, you get the opportunity to meet new people all the time, which is amazing but not everyone you meet would be your ultimate bff the next minute. More often than not, most of these people would eventually just turn out to be acquaintances. Thus, whenever you see them around university, most questions directed to us about our wellbeing would usually be made out of courtesy. Both of us thought that it would be pretty awkward if we answered otherwise (our day was bad etc) because they are probably not that interested with the life of someone they met from a 2-hour lecture last week.

But honestly, THIS. messes. up. with. my. head. so. much. I understand that it is only ethical to show concern for someone else, but if you don't do it sincerely, what's the point of asking? A simple hi and bye would definitely suffice. But again, it could be just me.

We are constantly exposed with the 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade' or the inspirational talks/articles on personalities who braved through horrendous storms optimistically with a smile on their faces. All these people who stayed strong no matter how bad the situation was. It wasn't 'When life gives you lemons, take a moment to feel and then make lemonade'. It is almost as if feeling sad or crying is a sign of weakness and that won't do if you want to establish authority and respect as an adult. You have got to keep a brave front, be it a facade. That you too can be as strong as the people out there. So we keep it in and keep that curve on our faces despite that one part of us that feels like screaming it all out. 

Keeping it in hurts. I know expressing our feelings may somehow make us feel vulnerable; weak even, but the split second of shame or hurt in pride will never compare to the amount of pain keeping it in causes.

I have been through something like this; a few weeks into university. 

At that point in time, I felt like I could handle it by myself and I made the decision to just let the pain stay inside. 

I became more guarded, tried not to let anyone else sense that something was wrong.
 Kept that smile on my face and reduced contact with everyone, just in case it got super obvious that something was up. 

Basically, I set up a huge fort around me, a gesture to insulate the pain. 

I was drowning and yet, I told myself I can do it. 

I distracted myself. I was all over the place. 

I was alone, I have never felt so alone in my life. 

I didn't want to burden anyone with my problems; problems that I have to come to terms with myself. 

Friends and family from afar asked me about it but I brushed them off. New friends I met sensed that something was wrong, but I didn't feel like they would actually be interested in my problems. 

I wasn't ready. 

That period was so tough. Eventually, I was on the brink of breaking. I had to tell someone. 

Once I did, the pain was so so much easier to bear. 

I am still guarded, but no longer a fort. Let's just say, I'm like an onion, I have my layers.
I am definitely more open to the idea that there are people who do genuinely care if only I let them and the amount of time you've met someone doesn't necessarily equate their interest in you. You could have known someone for years or decades but they can get so caught up in their own lives that they could no longer make time for you. On the other hand, you could meet someone just yesterday and feel that you guys have known each other for a really really long time. 

It was a lesson I had to learn the hard way (although mine probably wasn't as bad as what a lot of other people out there have been put through). A lesson I wish everyone else would know, minus the pain. A lesson that it is okay to feel, to be vulnerable once in a while. We don't have to be strong and cold to be respected. We don't have to be emotionless to be deemed a worthy adult. It is absolutely necessary to feel because it is what makes us human. It is alright to cry once in a while, everyone does, don't let social media or society tell you otherwise.

On a lighter note, Chinese New Year is coming up and I can't wait to feast (yes, if you follow me on Snap, I know I eat all the time, I'm a major foodie!). Okay, I am also very excited to meet and catch-up friends and family who will most probably back in my hometown once every year.

Here's something I took from last year's Aussie road trip @ Newcastle's Church!
Till next time
xx

9/1/2017 (Can you please help me?)

It is now 1am in the morning as I try to recollect everything that has happened today (technically yesterday's) as quickly as I could before the 14% on my laptop runs out and before my mind turns blank from the fatigue after a long day.

Today... was pure insanity but I guess it would make a very good lesson-cum-life experience. Hm, absolutely not proud of it, but what's done is done and it is time to move on with life; holding this experience dear to heart.

So, here goes.

Kudos to my much more organised sister compared to myself, the day started out fantastic tbh; improvised a little here and there but we were very much on time and even, a little ahead of time (which is trust me, pretty surprising). We were contented and even made little jokes about it while savouring our hearty little meal at one of the Korean restaurants we frequented in Gardens Mall.

However, after lunch, things got a little (or a lot) out of hand.

So as usual, on the streets of Malaysia, under the scorching sun, you will definitely see a few people claiming to be from some sort of unknown organisation either asking for some donation or pestering passersby to buy whatever they are offering. Okay, maybe it was pure bad luck today or that my sister and I looked like really nice folks; we were approached several times. The first three times, we just simply shrugged them off.

'Can you please help me? Please?'

Instantly, that stopped us in our tracks because before that, they were saying what they were doing was just a petition and not a donation. So we were like ok fine, they just need a name and signature, let's just help if it's for a good cause. Blah blah, after filling out the deets and more talking; they asked for a certain sum of money to 'help' them in their ..art project? (i don't even remember what it was for). Although they claimed that we could decide how much we wanted to 'help' them with, the sum starts at a certain benchmark that is already way too high for ordinary students to dig out from their respective purses/wallets to pay an unknown organisation that's not even a charity. I hesitated a lot and almost wanted to leave but innocently and nicely, my sister handed over to them the minimum of the required sum (x3 cause there were three of them, begging for help). In return, they gave us a stupid faux rose; I am pretty sure that thing isn't even worth RM1 (but... the stalk is what's left of it now cause the flower got missing from all the travelling z goodjob joyi)

I guess this is how nice people are taken advantage of. I mean it wasn't only us; a lot of other students 'helped' them out too with sums much larger than ours. We felt really bad for being so naive to actually offer willingly to 'help' them out in the first place. We also can't stop feeling sad and angry at how evil these people are for taking advantage of other people's kindness.These people are probably one of the major reasons people are no longer nice out there, since being nice is always associated to being bullied and pressurised into doing things you don't actually want to. I personally witnessed a lot of nice people who grew to have heart of stones today, just because they hurt too much from always being the ones feeling deceived. They have had enough of imbeciles who yearn at every opportunity they can to simply take advantage of 'nice' people.

This whole episode bugged me a lot the entire day today, contemplating if it really is worth it to be nice. Here's what I came up with - being nice and naive are two very different things. My sister may have been naive today for that short moment since she has a heart of gold; always a firm believer of lending a hand and being nice to all people. Today's experience took a toll out of her as it did me, and although it hasn't been pleasant, this is also a much needed reminder. A reminder to stay firm and to say no to things we don't want to do. A reminder to stay nice, but be smart about it. A reminder that not everyone out there has your best intentions on their mind, and that there are people with ulterior motives out there who would do anything to glean something out of you, so always be vigilant. A reminder to always and freely lend a hand to those really in need. A reminder to always stay true to ourselves and to stand up against unfairness and injustice.

However, that's not the end of today's story - we had bad luck part 2. So as I said earlier, we were ahead of time, but I guess we were contented too soon. We were scheduled to head home via train at 410 pm from the central station but due to a complete standstill of traffic at our area, we didn't manage to get a cab until 410 pm which also meant that we missed the freaking train home. We were devastated and my sister was so distraught from having her plans messed up that way (plus we stood under the insane hot sun for an hour plus whilst unwillingly getting a tan). The driver kept saying 7 more mins but I guess 7 mins actually meant an hour (Malaysia's traffic and timing tsk). So what happened?

Praise the Lord. We managed to grab ourselves tickets for the next train at 700pm and here I am at 130am in the morning of the next day, nestled in my comfy bed at home; feeling a need to document this. Also, the battery on my laptop is now at 8% and I should really get to sleep now before my biological clock gets all messed up again.

'be kind and have courage, love'

xx

hello there,

1) it's summer break here over in australia. i seriously cannot wait to get home and stuff my face with  heaps of scrumptious food! nothing beats a hearty meal in food paradise with friends and family ♥ the thought of it is making me hungry...

2) my favourite month of the year is coming up and i can't contain my excitement!! i can't wait to go christmas shopping and get/make gifts for the family (that no one really uses so off it goes - straight into the stash of things in our own respective cupboards ahaha). still challenging myself to get something practical for everyone every year but idk; maybe my family is really a bunch of hoarders who feel that things look better when collecting dust in cupboards.

3) don't usually do this but i have been binging on The Vampire Diaries on Netflix right after exams ended and i am on to season 4 already. joyi, you've got to control yourself. BUT oh my gosh, let's all take a moment to appreciate this beauty ♥

Damon Salvatore
Look at them eyes omg ok enough joyi
but ps if you need your daily dose of eye candy, just watch TVD 

4) it's almost 3am and i should probably head to sleep - i really messed up my sleeping hours so i got to fix that up real quick! got to stop waking up way past noon and sleeping way past midnight cries

xoxo

20/7/2016

I love meeting people. I love having conversations that go beyond 'today's weather is good'. I love listening to stories, especially those of choices and experiences.

Everyone has their own stories as well as different ways of writing it. It is kind of sad to admit but there are certainly times when we take this for granted. These days, most people tend to prematurely judge someone based on their physical appearance and the way they act in public. For instance, to the quiet girl who never fails to pick that same seat in the corner of your lecture hall, comments like 'oh, she's just an incredibly shy girl' are bound to be raised. I admit that I am guilty of it too. However, on a deeper note, who are we to judge when we don't even know what she has been through?

I am still very much mind-blown whenever someone tells me about something that has been on their mind or just about an experience that they have been put through. Plenty of thoughts could be running through their minds the very moment you guys are engaged in a certain conversation. Thoughts you can't read or sense unless they tell you about it. They might look like the happiest creature all the time, but who's to know that when night falls, all they do is listen to melancholic music and sob themselves to sleep.

If you asked me years ago what superpower I'd like to have, I would no doubt answer 'I want to read everyone's minds just so that life would never be confusing'. However, I don't want that anymore. The mystery of not knowing what is on the minds of other people and the confusion that it sometimes brings are things that make me yearn for more. I can't even describe this in words but it makes me immensely curious and excited whenever someone feels that they are ready to open up (yes i do realise that i am starting to sound like someone who's nothing but a busybody - someone who's forever excited in meddling with the private lives of others). But tbh, no. It's just nice to know of experiences vicariously and ponder upon them after; to figure out what I would have done if I were in their shoes.

Fast forward to years later, if I were given a superpower now, I would want to spread all the happiness in the world, and eradicate every single iota of sadness and sorrow in the lives of others. (ok this is probably not a very rational choice either since what are feelings if we don't have a spectrum?) But it just makes me so happy to know that people around me are happy - so yeah probs a selfish choice.

Call me a dreamer, or someone who is still living in her own bubble of hope. Call me silly for still holding on to such crazy thoughts. Trust me, it's not easy. I understand that by having such a mindset I get disappointed so much more when things don't go as planned or when I learn of new things in life that are so far from the ideal I have in mind. There were people in my journey of life who tried to shake me awake and every other possible way to pop that bubble. 

Someone used to ask:

'Why be an optimist? It's so much easier to be a pessimist so that when you get results you don't expect you will get happier. That happiness makes being a pessimist so much better than being an optimist and getting so disappointed when you don't get what you want.'

And my answer would be: 

'Look. Would you rather be happy for that short period of time and choose to be negative the rest of your time or would you rather be happy as much as you can and only be sad and disappointed when things really don't go as planned?'

Well, I don't know. Tell me what you think. For me, I would definitely choose the latter rather than the former because... (ok cliche line coming up, pls don't cringe) its all about the process, and not the product. I would so much rather be happy over the process rather than only for a short while at the end before venturing into something new.

P.S Whatever I am writing here is purely my two cents, I definitely don't intend to impose these thoughts on you or whatever. Just take it with a grain a salt :) 

xx

Is this not for me?

Hey you.

So currently I am embarking on this new journey called university.  Well I have always secretly kind of liked studying because it is all so interesting; like legit everything is interesting. 

I have never felt this way, never disliked anything that gives me new knowledge before. 

Okay maybe I have, but rarely (also usually its because I beat myself so hard for getting not-so-great results - and yes, not so great might mean a B). I am a major nerd, definitely haha, and I admit it. But right now I just feel really demotivated to do anything, like I mean I don't know if i have always been lucky or if sciences and math were so much easier to understand and apply?  All you need is a bit of practice and you'll be fine.

Trust me, making such a drastic change to life (i.e. enrolling into a law program) really has me thinking and wondering if i made the right choice.  Time and time again, these sciences and math just pop into mind and i can't stop myself but wonder how I would be coping in university if i was enrolled as a science student instead.  I loved it all, and I love it still. Yeah yeah... such a geek. If you're wondering why I did it, well I'll save that for another day.

For my current course and application, it's all so different; it makes me question myself all the time. Am I just not made for this? A small part of me always nudges me whenever that thought comes into mind, 'joyi, you need to stop thinking that way, don't be weak. don't give up because you are not doing as well as you want yourself to'.

Expectations kill me, legit. Always have, always will.

It feels so surreal to finally be in a university, far away from home. This whole long distance thing definitely has taken a toll on me; I mean everything is interesting here, the people I met here are amazing but at times like this, I wish I could be home, cuddled in bed and just wait for my grandma to bring my my favourite dessert. It's difficult, very difficult to always make it seem like I am not homesick cause in reality, I really am. The 'I can't show it to my family members that I am sad because I miss them so so much cause they will be sad too' struggle is really real. I mean what was I supposed to do? Just suck it up and bawl my eyes out and then be all happy again the next day?

Ugh, this whole university thing still makes me cringe. Don't get me wrong, there are always good days, good adventures which fill me up with so much blessing it makes me smile from ear to ear.  I just usually drop by on the bad ones, haha. I need to start dropping in on all days so this blog is less depressing. Looking forward to a better tomorrow! 

To you reading this, have a wonderful day ahead x

To those going through bad days, you are not alone

These few weeks definitely are not the best weeks of my life. I still don't know if I can emerge at the end of all this, feeling glad that it all happened.  As much as I love growing and discovering, there are certain things that I wish would just go away.  I am well aware that the fastest way to grow is by experiencing different adversities in life, but there is just this limit as to how much one can take. 'Death by a thousand cuts' isn't what I want.

I used to think that I can take on anything, that I was prepared; but recently, I realised how energy draining all these could be, not mentioning how heart breaking it is to be slapped in the face with bad news every single day.  These days, I have been praying and praying for all of these to just go away, to just leave me alone.  Sometimes I wonder if I could just run, to a place far far away and start over in a place where no one knew me. Wait. Been there, done that. But realise this, you can never run away from your identity, from who you really are.

Then, comes this epiphany that I should just suck it up and try to handle things as well as I can, despite me dying inside.  Well maybe this is one of the many things in life where I could look back and feel 'I am glad that happened, I wouldn't be where I am if not for it' or I could feel 'Aw man, I will never want to experience it at all if we went back in time'. I don't know which it will be yet but I damn well hope that it is not something that would kill me to the roots and break me permanently, and with that I am going to do my best to survive this storm and wait for the rainbows.  To those barely surviving from bad days or weeks, let's do this together.

xx

Expectations

It is something that could either make you or break you. It could either drive you to success or lead you to your downfall.

Well, it works both ways for me. The pressure it gives me often make me work harder towards my goals. But whenever i feel like things aren't going the way I want it to, I would end up very very disappointed in myself. And that, is turning into a daily thing for me right now. 

Being in a new environment, doing something so new to me, it is more often that not I would make mistakes, in one aspect or another. That is totally fine, people say. You will do better, people say. But I really have no room for blunders now, do I? 

If you are someone who is close to me, I bet you will already have figured out how easy it is for me to be disappointed at myself. More often than not, you would end up comforting me even though I did pretty alright, it is just all these expectations I have on myself which is taking a toll on me, and i still have zero idea on how to stop them from coming.

Unfortunately, tonight is one of those nights where I just snug under the covers of my bed, feeling shitty and wished that I could have another go at today. 

'Well, there's always tomorrow' and yes, I agree with that a 100%. I know I eventually will let go of the events which took place today, but for now, this moment, just let me envelop myself in this feeling of disappointment for a bit, and hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.

xx 

Well, if you're wondering, I admit I don't usually do blog posts like this. I would usually point a problem and convince myself that there are ways I could fix it, or at least improve myself on that aspect. However, tonight's one of those nights where I feel like just being this way and there is no point being so positive about changing and upgrading my views. Guess i have reached a point in life where I feel that it is actually alright to not be perfect. It is alright that I am not perfect yet and I will never be, but it doesn't hurt putting some thought into it haha

On another note, I was just on a video call with my grandma and mum in Malaysia. Phone calls and video calls from home always strikes something in me, especially since I am so far from home (which sucks). Tonight is exactly one of the nights I needed that call, to remind myself of the support I have. (i am not saying i don't feel supported right now or that i yearn support 24/7 in order to live life, but it is nice, you know, to be able to always come home to supportive family - and not to forget physical hugs work too)

Alright, I've got to get back to working on my assignments and college work. Will write again soon xx